Ahh 2019. While I have seen others slam you for being brutal, I will be the first to laud you for your transparency and honesty. I am leaving this year a much stronger person than when I started. I'd like to be snarky and say that its because I am no longer in Vermont, but no, not quite. There was more to this year than transitioning out of Maplelandia, and each lesson, each event, each movement builds on the other. It was a year of order. Making sense of my intentions. I am not 100% in order, and I know that I will never be. That is not how this thing called life works. Its a lot of organizing and a lot of being able to function in disorganization. But for all of this philosophizing, I did learn a bit about myself this year. Want a list? Well here it goes:
- I am more of a free-spirit than I give myself room to be. This year I saw myself shake off some of the values that I had as a result of my upbringing. The most profound and the one that I am still trying to make sense of is religion and faith. I might've stepped foot in a church maybe once this year. Part of me feels liberated, but a big part of me feels a void. If I don't have this ritual of church-going then what do I have? If I am no longer digesting the body and blood of Christ, then what is feeding me? I don't have the answers as of yet, and oddly, I am not in a rush to figure it out. I might go to hell. I might reemerge as a new being. I might very well become energy in the universe. I don't know. I keep a belief in a higher power. That's all I got at the moment.
- That brings me to my next point: I am suddenly okay with not knowing a lot of stuff. Will this government collapse? Maybe. Are we being ruled by reptilian overloads? Possibly. Does my mom really like me as a person. Ehhh, who knows. Who cares? My existence and how I am moving through the world now takes up 85% of my mental space. The other 15% is for random stuff. I think that I have spent so much time worrying about the world around me, that I owe it to myself to finally wonder about myself for a while. Notice I said "wonder" and not "worry"
- I stopped worrying this year. Well, not completely but not nearly as much as I used to worry. Look, a lot of shit is out of my control. I accept that. I fix and handle what I can, and the rest, I leave it up to God and the adults who are actually supposed to be handling things. Everything is not mine to fix. Every good work is not my work. I learned personal restraint.
- Women are told that we need men to be whole. I tried the dating thing and it confirms what I already knew about myself: I don't. I like male company, but needing it is a bit of a stretch. And please don't insist that I have yet to meet the right guy. I don't believe that there is a singular Mr. Right. I do believe that I am entitled to make a choice to be with someone who I know will be tragically flawed and will get on my fucking nerves. I make that choice a few times a year, but I don't feel compelled to tether myself to someone nonstop. I lose me in ways that I don't like. I compromise too much. I have to suppress a lot of strong energy when I am with men, and its much too debilitating. At the end of the day, I love me more than I will ever love a man. I will always choose me first.
- I moved this year, and part of the reason was that I wanted to prioritize my personal life over my professional. Put work on autopilot and live. Truth is, I am a workhorse, a taskmaster, a sergeant by design. Getting shit done is in my DNA. I can't turn off work. I don't want to. It makes me happy! Conversely, I also discovered that as long as a I have a steady network of friends, a few dates, and some real travel, I'm good. I don't need to throw myself blindly into social settings for the sake of having a decent life. I have a GREAT life. There is no dichotomy here. Just balance.
- I learned fear a long time ago. Hard stop. It was taught to me, and became my ethos. I let it go. A lot of the shit that scared me is actually easy and/or harmless. If it scares me, I'm gonna do it. If my spirit says "yo... leave that alone", then I will avoid it. There is a profound difference between being scared and being intuitively aware. I'm getting better at distinguishing the two.
- If you have been following my life's saga since the start of the year, then you know that I walked away from a good job that was all wrong for me. I discovered that I could not, would not, and should not educate or save white people from themselves. I don't dislike white folks. I do hate that white supremacy somehow makes it seems as if it is my responsibility as a Black woman to fix what I have neither created nor benefited from. These strongholds are not mine to tear down. That's emotional labor that, in the name and honor of Sadie L. Wilkerson, I refuse to do. Period. Dear white folks, do your own work. I'll see you on the other side.
- Here's the big thing... I earned the right to say "fuck you" to anyone who crosses my boundaries, and be unapologetic about it. As a sat on my coach's couch (say that 5 times really quickly), red and puffy eyed from crying, I realized that at best I have a few more decades in this body. For whom am I living while I am here? For 39 years, I've given a great deal of consideration to others, even when it wasn't given in return. Its made me ambivalent about life in general. This year, I stopped being ambivalent and got intentional about what is mine to own, shape, and create. Its mine, and no one else's. People might no like it, but they'll get over it.
- I used to think that I was cool with playing to the background. That it doesn't matter who gets the shine as long as the greater good is served. Now I know that I have been selling myself short. I want what's mine. I work too hard and share too many great insights just to be behind the scenes. I shouldn't feel bad about stepping up and being out front. I am more than confident in my abilities and ideas because I know from where they originate. Bernice King's last words words to me as an employee of hers were" You are a leader. You know that don't you? You are a leader." Those words stay with me, not because she meant them as a compliment, because she didn't, but rather because it was an acknowledgment that my light was too bright for her shadow. That's not my place.
- Lastly, joy... I learned and am learning what sparks joy in my life. Some of it is simple. A lot of it is unconventional and complex. I don't judge it. I just let it all wash over me. I am intentional about seeking it out, but less inclined to hold onto it and try to control it. That's not how I want to expend my energy. Its like dancing: I don't need a routine to move effortlessly to the rhythm. I just move.
...and that's what I am going to keep doing in 2020. Keep moving.
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