I'll preface this post by saying that I am suffering an acute crisis of confidence in almost all forms of leadership, including my own ability to lead. The world is shifting so quickly these days that even the most nimble and disruption-loving of leaders seem ill-equipped to move in the way that the world is demanding of us all.
People this is a textbook definition of hard.
I try to suspend judgment but I was raised in a judgmental household. So judging people is a way of life that I have labored tirelessly to change. Sometimes I make good ground. Other times, I fall deep into old habits. Lately, I have been judging the hell out of those in leadership positions. Lately I have been extremely hard on myself. There is a magic to leadership; a subtle art of communicating in way that inspires and teases out the best in people. This art usually hinges on one's ability to see the world differently -- to see in prismatic brilliance what others see in a flat static 2 dimensional fashion. This "artist of vision" - if I may - can see the other side of any situation. No. Its more than that. They can feel the electricity of possibilities, and through their feeling they the share vibrant visions. Lately, I haven't seen this leadership in nearly anyone. From one side of the spectrum to the other, I am afraid, we are all out of that magical mojo. The juju that once held this human fabric together, seems to be fading.
I was scrolling through 11 years of Twitter posts, and I came across a photo of my ideas notebook sprawled open. My scribbles, neat and orderly but meandering like a flowchart, and beneath it the hashtag: "IKeepANoteBook". I still keep a notebook but its mostly notes from meetings. Nothing inspirational or bursting with newness. Its all old; all trite. Its all indicative of my own personal resignation. I find it hard these days to do anything beyond stay afloat. At least as it pertains to leading people. I've been leading my colleagues through a training on Nonviolent Communication, and in a twist of sardonic irony, I find my own way of communicating growing more belligerent by the day. No I am not hurling curse words at folks, but I am judging them mercilessly with my silence. I torture them with my very obvious disinterested tone. Lately my mantra has been more "do what thy whilst" than "love thy will be done". I am a monster in the making. I am struggling to feel the feel of what's possible. Dare I say I am struggling to care?
Good leaders care. I simply do not feel like caring lately.
Apathy is a dangerous thing for people who wield any sort of formal power. Its as vile as caring about something in the singular, as is the case with the current presidential administration. He only cares for maintaining power for white wealthy men, and does so at the cost of any semblance of democracy. Not that we actually ever had a democracy, but for sake of this example, let's just go with it. Apathy causes one to walk along the edges life's precarious cliff, blindfolded, daring fate to tip you over the edge because you have nothing more to lose. I find it funny that there is a word for feeling others emotions - empathy - and a word for blocked emotion - apathy - and ones for hate and pity - antipathy and sympathy but there doesn't seem to be a word for the pathology of holding emotions for self. I wonder if there were, would we as leaders feel a stronger sense of accountability to ourselves? I think about this because, I have a moral sense of wrongness about my own apathy. To not care goes against all that I believe in, and yet, here I am as apathetic about many things, as the day is long, and no one holds me responsible for this. Not even I.
Conversely, I find myself existing under organizational leadership that is unbearably sympathetic. Emotions drive everything, in particularly, the irrational emotion of fear. In my professional sphere, the fear of being disliked, misunderstood, judged all drive people to their most base instincts. Decisions that are made, lack logic, but feel safe and dare I say "good". Its a swirly, hazy landscape that is as nonsensical as Alice on the other side of the looking glass. I struggle with the idea of leaders not understanding that your role is to make the best decisions possible in any given situation,any given moment, and those are often the hardest decisions. People undoubtedly will not like you at times. Life goes on. I hold a specific disdain for people driven by their emotions. Its not enough for you to go on a roller coaster ride, but by virtue of my position as a follower, I am reluctantly taken for a ride too. There's no consistency, just the need to be prepared for whatever curve ball comes hurling your way. Lately, I have been getting smacked relentlessly with spherical projectiles of emotion. I haven't the real energy to care beyond that of worrying about my own sanity in the midst of it all. I grew up the child of a narcissist mother and an overly emotional father. I've been on enough roller coaster rides to last me a lifetime. I think that I am overdue for some therapeutic stillness. Feet planted squarely on mental terra firma, if such exists. My work life does not provide this. It leaves my apathy toeing the line of antipathy.
Where I no longer seem to care at work, I do find myself ensconced in empathy in my home life. At home, I am the alpha female of a pack of furry beasts -- dominating little miniature schnauzers. To say that they are the loves and loathing of my life would be accurate. Before this pandemic, I didn't spend as much time in their company. So all time spent together was good time. We remained a sort of novelty- they happy to have my attention and copious pity treats, and I happy to be with living creature who know instinctively the virtues of unconditional love. Now we are together almost 24/7, and in this extended and undeliberate bonding time, I am noticing that I have failed them as a pack leader. I yell, get impatient, and on a few occasions, have shut myself off from them only to hear their breath at the door awaiting my return. I have not been very empathetic. I once read somewhere that dogs can smell the, past, present, and even the future. Their lives are neither long nor linear but they are profoundly complex. Humans aren't nearly as interesting or labyrinthine. Sometimes I watch my dear Charlie wander through my small apartment, intent on finding the perfect napping spot. Most times he settles in some corner of my bedroom, isolated from Theo and me. I suppose that in my bedroom, I am usually at my calmest and the hormones that I release are the least stressful. Maybe he senses that? Recognizing his comfort there, I do not disturb him, although I find myself curious about what's going on in his head. My older bearded friend, Theo, never leaves my side. I often feel the need to reassure him of my love an loyalty, especially after I have not been on my best human behavior. Its a strange dance between the 3 of us, but of all of the dances, its the one that I find most satisfying. I am forced to attempt my best waltz with them, and with them I am learning to be a better leader. I fail often. I fail miserably. And yet, I keep trying. For them, I care.
I studied power and leadership in my graduate program and there are many ways for it to show up. Contrary to the American hegemonic ideal, leadership isn't always loud or charismatic. It wont always show up as authoritarian or at the head of the pack leading the charge. No, sometimes its quiet, mindful, deliberate, and doesn't need a commanding title. I think that I much prefer this deceptively powerful form of leadership. I prefer puissance to charisma. The former take more finesse; whereas the latter suck energy. A waste if you ask me. However, quiet coercion - sophisticated Jedi mind trickery, as I like to call it - can easily lend itself to resentment and resentment to apathy, which brings us here. My increasingly apathetic approach to leadership. I resent that other people are slow to get it. The cant seem to catch the rhythm, and its making me lose hope. What is a leader devoid of hope if not a despot oppressing others with my own pessimism?
I do think that there is room to shift yet again. In the life cycles of nonprofit organizations there is a middle ground that dances from maturity to decline to turnaround. I am indeed a seasoned leader, mature in my analysis of how a leader should be, but for the better portion of the last 5 years, I've been beleaguered by this inability to give a damn. I am very much on the decline. I am too young to be on such a precipitously downward path. For heaven's sake I am only mid-career. Fate be not tempted, I still have another 25-30 working years left in me. I can only guess that a "turnaround" is afoot. A second wind in which I will find that spark once again. Maybe I will be a ways smarter about how I use my new found energy. In my 20s and early 30s I was burning through it like humans are burning through natural resources. I think I threw myself into an early ice age from which I will soon hopefully thaw. I don't like this phase of simply not caring. It feels like time wasted, as I search for something worth caring about in this life.
I don't quiet know what to make of it all.
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